To my dear readers,
I am back at school, back to learning.
It is the last syllabus week of my life. Thank god. So many introductions. So many attempts to answer “Where are you from” and I stumble through a response about how I am from Wisconsin but I live in New York.
And then they ask when I moved to Philly and I try to explain how I kind of still live in New York. This confuses my classmates.
And then I have to remember their name. And what their art looks like. And where they came from. We need to be vulnerable and honest with each other as the semester goes on, so I must remember these things.
I find it all tiring. I think I am an extrovert but after a week like this last one, I accept I might not be.
On Thursday night, I was alone in my new studio (that has windows!) painting and listening to music. I had just cracked open a seltzer. It was 9 p.m. and dark outside. No one needed anything from me. I had no obligations, nothing else I “should” be doing. No emails. No calls. No knocks on the door.
I had made dinner in my studio’s kitchenette earlier. Whole foods chili that can be microwaved to perfection. And I wanted for nothing. I felt actual, real, peace. Contentment. I was happy.
When I was 20, my grandpa told me that maybe there wasn’t heaven or hell. Maybe there was just now. He didn’t expand on this. It was said in passing while I was in the front entryway of my grandparent’s house. I can’t remember where his comment came from. It was bright outside and his dog was trying to push through the door.
“NOW” is tattooed on my left arm in the tinniest letters possible.
When I am painting and happy, I think about him. He might have been right– painting in my studio might be heaven as I will ever know it.
It makes all the risks of being a painter, of getting an MFA, of spending 2 years without a real income, might be worth it.
There are no real promises with a Masters in Fine Arts. No guarantees. It is not like a nursing or accounting degree, where you finish and then get a job that pays a living wage. But that’s okay. I get to paint.
Before I started school last year, I watched a YouTube video by an influencer who talked about how instead of saving for retirement, he preferred to take random “mid-life” retirements where he would take a year or two off, travel, and live like he was retired. He wanted to enjoy life in that very moment when he was at his healthiest.
The whole video reeked of privilege. I could smell the inherited wealth through the screen. And I knew he was funding these “retirements” with YouTube videos like the one I watched. But still, it stuck with me.
Some nights, I feel guilty that I can spend all this time painting. I wonder if I should become a nurse, accountant, or lawyer, instead of taking this mid-life retirement. I then remind myself that these thoughts are from our confused society, along with some deeply ingrained catholic logic. I also remember that I can’t become anything because I have tried to do other things and well… they just didn’t stick.
We had a very old sculptor give an artist talk last week. She said the same thing when someone asked her about why she was a sculptor. She said that she tried to be other things but she just couldn’t do anything else but be an artist. She was well above retirement age but still working and giving talks.
It reminded me that I probably will never retire in a typical sense. Like most painters, I will probably be painting right into my deathbed.
Anyways, thanks for reading!!
Best
Claire
What’s For Dinner?
Pierogis! But the modern kind filled with Philly Cheesesteak. They were actually very good. I thought a lot about Kielbasa while we ate them but we are trying to be healthy.
I always learn so much about you from this👁️
Always amazed at your essays…
‘Now’ is the time to be and your grandpa was wise in the advice he gave to you…..
He always wanted to teach philosophy at the high school level but I feel he was able to share so much with all the people he knew in a quiet understated manner.
Love how your can make those memories so rich and beautiful for me.💗